TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
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DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Optional boss fight.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.