The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
You Might Also Like
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap