Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.