[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”