The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
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What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
bout dat hot dog summer
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*