[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
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H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.