The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
You Might Also Like
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
*puts words between two asterisks*
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast