[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
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I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
meanwhile over on facebook
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.