Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
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Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right