Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
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[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.