“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
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Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.