“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
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smartest karate player in the world
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
This a good idea
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
