I need this for my side hustle.
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How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
PLEASE READ
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman: