Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
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Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.