How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I created you as mosquito food.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.