Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
When you let grandma cat sit
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Just had my nails done!
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car