did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
You Might Also Like
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed