I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

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You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.


MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house


Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00


anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer


I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey


My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.


DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this


Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.


My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.


If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff