@XplodingUnicorn

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

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@tastefactory

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

@maisondecris

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

@TheOnlyMommaG

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

@3_livi

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

@sallyelegant

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

@handsforkeys

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

@donni

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

@joshraclaw

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

@Carbosly

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

@thedad

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff