Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
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Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Breaking news:
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
🤣🤣🤣
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.