One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
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Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?