Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
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One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*