let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
You Might Also Like
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr