Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
You sure about that?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
me, after any kind of buffet.