Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
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i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.