If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
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I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Sunday
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody