I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
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her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
😂😂😂
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another