On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
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Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.