Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
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One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Terribly Tuesday.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
pelicons
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.