Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
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Dear Lord..
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
March 16
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.