lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.