The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
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VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say