My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
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i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
San Francisco has too many rules
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me