Hmm, not sure about this change
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Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW