I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
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Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?