I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
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me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you