I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
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Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I was just discussing this with my cat
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.