I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
You Might Also Like
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.