I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
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*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
barista: can i get a name?
me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.
His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
The news in a nutshell.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here