I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
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Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.