I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.