Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
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Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me