I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
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Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
🤣
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now