There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
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My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
twitter users today:
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.