when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
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Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
no their not
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.