Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
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Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Have a lovely day 😊
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.