I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
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When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
absolutely not
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Erm I’m gonna say no
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.