Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
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me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”