My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
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My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two