[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
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Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.