INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
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Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
peak technology
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point