me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
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The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.