I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
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[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
A choir of Spring onions
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I like it thick and deep
Pizza