Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
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Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
[eats all your cotton candy]
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.