Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
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PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to