*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
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The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008